sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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