forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
