I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm like, not good at living.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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