Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
