i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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