OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
