woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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