i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
