I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
