She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
