I'm pants shitting drunk right now
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
ok first of all what the fuck
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