I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
