Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
