he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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