The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
