I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize