i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Life is so much better after having sex.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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