he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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