my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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