Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
