Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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