I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
