Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
