Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
