the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
