genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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