Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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