How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
