oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
