Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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