Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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