I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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