Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
