didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
