mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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