Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
