well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
