I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize