im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
