For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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