sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just gift wrapped bread.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
