I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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