video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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