Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize