and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
