I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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