What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
