This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
