I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
