he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
