What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
