i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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