does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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