Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
