my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
