So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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